by Jack Cox
Romantic love, especially unrequited love, is one of the biggest mysteries of life. Why do we feel such a needful longing for just one specific person at a time? If it were just about breeding then any suitable partner would do. Yet often the subject of our obsession is a very unsuitable partner for breeding purposes. Also these types of feelings persist far beyond breeding age. One thing is certain and that is that the feelings run very deep, and the emotions run very high. This is why I often call being in love The Madness.
One theory about romantic love that is often proposed, is that the person we love in some way serves as a replacement for our parent of the same gender. Women are supposed to be seeking substitute fathers and men are supposed to be seeking substitute mothers. There is probably some truth in this.
There is also a strong sexual component in romantic love yet it is not just about sex. Even those who have physical conditions which preclude sexual intercourse fall in love. I knew a woman once who swore that she loved me but was incapable of sex due to her illness. Yet that was forgotten when she eventually met her dark eyed Frenchman. She couldn't get him into bed fast enough. She used to say that my love for her was not pure if sex with her was so important to me. What she could never understand is that my need to have sex with her was, at least in part, my way of gauging her feelings, or lack of them, for me. So I think that one function of sex in romantic love is as a gauge of how the affair is going and of the other person?s feelings. It is also a way that two people bond and grow closer together.
One of the most painful experiences in life is getting dumped by the one we love. I know as I have been there many times. But at least getting dumped implies there was a relationship to get dumped from. What about the poor souls who love in vain, never to have their feelings returned. I have been there quite a few times too.
So can the Law of Attraction help us in these difficult circumstances? If you are familiar with my writings you will know that I like to quote Bill Harris a lot. In particular I like his saying that ?Whatever you want there is a certain way of thinking and acting that will get it for you. Your job is to find out what it is and to be flexible enough to adopt it.?
Unfortunately this does not apply to specific named people. Just like us, the one you desire has free will. Just like us the one you desire is working (whether they realise it or not) with the Law of Attraction. So no, unfortunately we can not say that ?whoever you want, there is a certain way of thinking and acting that will get him or her for you?. If only life were that simple.
Nevertheless there are some tools which can often increase our chances of success in matters of the heart. So lets start at the very beginning. Why do we sometimes fall for people who cannot love us the way we want? I think it has a lot to do with beliefs. They are funny things these beliefs. We are only aware of a tiny fraction of the information collected by our five senses. Millions of years of evolution have fitted our minds with a sensor at the gate. This sensor only allows in such information it decrees to be useful to us. Otherwise we would become overwhelmed by the sheer volume of it. Some of the ways information is kept from us are by deleting, distorting and generalising. Unfortunately our subconscious minds like us to be right, so they delete, distort and generalise whatever does not fit with and support our current beliefs.
That is why your neighbourhood preacher is certain that his religion is the only true religion despite the fact that the majority of people on this planet are equally certain otherwise. If something happened in your childhood to convince you that you are unlovable, guess what? Your censor will delete, distort or generalise all incoming data that might make you think otherwise. So you always get to be right, and lonely. There are several ways this can happen. Say you meet a dishy guy or chick in a bar and you go over and start chatting. They give you the brush off. So you take this as more evidence that you really are unlovable. It will never occur to you that they may already be in a committed relationship or that they are just not in the mood to socialise that day. With these kinds of beliefs you will always be right, at least within the privacy of your own mind. But wouldn't it be great, now and again, to be wrong but happy?
Of course there are other kinds of beliefs that almost everyone agrees on, such as ice being cold for instance. Obviously I am not talking about those kinds of beliefs. With the more esoteric kind of beliefs, the ones we are talking about here, it really doesn?t matter much what you believe. Most of your beliefs are fairly arbitrary anyway. But actually it dose matter a very great deal because your beliefs and expectations are the blueprint your mind uses to construct your life. So why not choose to adopt some useful beliefs, ones that will be resourceful to you. Beliefs such as ?I am good looking, charming and extremely lovable?. Affirm it three times each day, start living as if it is true and it will become true for you. Then you can start attracting, and being attracted to, people who will really love you and stay by you. AND you will stop driving the away by your unresourceful attitudes.
I have proved this in my own life but it took a heck of a long time before the penny finally dropped. I am with a very sweet and kind lady now but what a roller coaster ride to get to the point of letting the right person in and not sabotaging myself and my relationships by driving the nice ones away..
I entered my last marriage, with a very special woman who I loved very much, with the belief that all women just wanted to use me. She had the belief that men always leave her in the end. We were also in business together, there was a great deal of money involved and we both expected the other one to try and cheat us. So what do you think was the result? She did everything she could to drive me away, without realising it of course, in order to be right abut men always leaving her. I did everything I could to feel used and put upon to reinforce my belief. After the divorce we were both convinced that the other one has cheated us out of many thousand of pounds. I left her but I still miss her like crazy and probably always will. But at least I finally saw the truth of what I had been doing to sabotage so many relationships in the past. Now at last I am moving forward. I have found new happiness and I hope she can find happiness for herself too.
But what if the other person has left you and you want him or her back. I get asked about this a lot and I have to tell people that there is no magic Law of Attraction formula for this one. You cannot change the other person but you can change yourself. Like everything else in life it starts by you taking 100% responsibility for what happened. Calling the other person a rotten so and so for hurting you will get you nowhere.
People don?t leave people for no reason. Either you did something that hurt the other person or you failed to fulfil all his or her needs in some way. You probably do know what you did or didn?t do. Don?t you? You may not want to admit it even to yourself but you do know, deep inside, don?t you? If you really don?t know, consciously, your subconscious mind knows, so ask. Say to yourself ?What was it I did or didn?t do that caused John / Mary to leave me, what could I have done differently that would have made him / her want to stay with me??
When your subconscious answers, LISTEN !!! Don?t argue or make excuses, LISTEN !!!
You may think the other person was being unreasonable to want what they wanted. If so you have a choice to make. Which do you want more, to stay the same or to have the other person back? If you say that staying the same is more important to you, that?s fine. Its your life. Start looking for a new love interest who will love you just as you are.
However if you really do want the other person back more than you want to stay the same, start working on that. There is no guarantee it will bring them back but its worth a go. Your desire to change must be genuine, its no good pretending. And here is the rub. You must really want to make the changes for yourself, not just to attract the other person back. Don?t just pretend to change. If the other person hates smoking, give up smoking. If the other person can?t cope with your drink problem, get help with that. If the other person thinks you are too bossy, too controlling, to clingy, too insecure, GET HELP. Its no good saying that you will change if he or she comes back. You must change FIRST, whether they come back or not. Remember you are making the change for you, not for them.
Once you have changed, expect a miracle. When two people are really on the same wavelength they are attracted to each other by the Law of Attraction. Once you have made the changes, your loved one, or someone even better suited to you, will be attracted (back) into your life. I promise it. For more practical advice on how to get your ex back I recommend The Magic Of Making Up.